A decision means there are two courses of action open to us, and we have
to ‘cut off’ one of those options, and go with the one we prefer. We can think of
indecisiveness as a way of trying to ‘keep our options open’, because we’re
afraid of what will happen if we make the wrong choice. So, how can mindfulness approach and ACT help us?
Step 1: Acknowledge it’s a tough decision
It’s normal for tough decisions to generate anxiety: fears about making the
wrong choice, and the bad things that might happen if you do so!
Step 2: Use practical decision-making strategies
There are three practical decision-making strategies that will often (but not
always) help us make a choice. They are:
A) Action Planning
A decision means making a choice between two courses of action; let’s call
them option A and option B. So think through - in detail - the actions required
and resources you’ll need for each option. Plan out, step-by-step, what you will
need to say and do - and what resources you’ll need - if this is the option you
choose. When you take the time to plan this out, it will often clarify for you that
one option is better than the other.
B) Cost-Benefit Analysis
The age-old method of ‘cost-benefit analysis’ is often helpful. In other words,
write down a list of all the benefits and all the costs for each option. If you’ve
already done this and it hasn’t helped, fair enough — at least you tried. But if
you haven’t yet done this, or you’ve done it half-heartedly or you’ve done it in
your head but not on paper, then it’s worth a try. When you write it all down
(on paper or a device), that’s a very different experience to talking it through
‘inside your head’ or with a friend — and may help determine your choice.
C) Good Information
At times it may be helpful to find out more information from a reliable source (a
book, a person, a website, an organisation, etc.) So, make sure you have enough
good quality information to make an ‘informed decision’. At times, new
information can make the costs and benefits of each option clearer, and help
you decide what to do. But … be careful. Thanks to the internet, it’s possible to
go on gathering new information forever. So if you’re spending lots of time
researching/gathering information … and it’s making no difference, you’re still
just as undecided as before … then stop, and work with the information you
have. (If this is a recurrent pattern, set a healthy and realistic time limit on how
long you will allow yourself to ‘research’ before committing to a decision.)
Step 3: No perfect anxiety-free decision
Next, recognise there is no perfect anxiety-free decision. Whichever option you
choose, you are likely to feel anxious about it - and your mind is likely to say
‘You’re making the wrong decision!’ Your mind will then usually tell you all the
reasons why you shouldn’t do it. So if you’re waiting until the day there are no
feelings of anxiety and no thoughts about making the wrong decision … well,
you’ll probably be waiting forever.
Step 4: There’s no way not to choose
Acknowledge that whatever decision you’re struggling with, you’re already
making a choice. Each day (or each hour) that you don’t actively choose to do
something different, you’re choosing to keep doing more of the same. Until the
day you hand in your resignation, you are choosing to stay in that job. And until
the day you start training for a new career, you’re choosing to stay in your
current one. Until the day you pack your bags and move out of the house, you
are choosing to keep living there. Until the day you tell your partner it’s over,
you are choosing to stay in the relationship. Until the day you take that first
step to implement a new way of doing something, you’re choosing to keep
doing it the old way. Each day that you don’t sign the consent form, you are
choosing not to have treatment. Each day you put off speaking up about that
secret you’re keeping, you are choosing to hide it.
Step 5: Acknowledge today’s choice
Following on from step 4, acknowledge the choice you are making for this day
(or hour). For example, say to yourself, ‘Okay, for the next 24 hours, I choose to
stay in this job/relationship/group’ or ‘For the next 24 hours, I choose to keep
doing this the same way as before’ or ‘For the next 24 hours, I choose to keep
this secret’. If 24 hours seems too long, then make a choice for the next twelve
hours, or six hours (or even for the next 60 or 30 minutes). At the end of that
time, reassess; then make another choice for the next 24 (or 12 or 6) hours.
Step 6: Take a stand
Given your choice in step 5 above, what do you want to stand for in the next 24
(or twelve or six) hours (or 60 or 30 minutes)? What values do you want to live
by in this domain of life? If you’re staying in the relationship for another day (or
another hour), what sort of partner do you want to be for that one day (or
hour)? If you’re staying in your job for another day (or another hour), or holding
off on implementing a new strategy at work … what sort of
worker/boss/manager do you want to be for that one day (or hour)? No matter
what situation you’re in, you can always find ways to act on your values.
Step 7: Make time to reflect
Put aside time on a regular basis to mindfully reflect on the situation. The best
way to do this is as in step 2: using a diary or a device, write down the costs and
benefits of each option, and see if anything has changed since last time you did
this. You could also try to imagine what life might be like — both the positives
and the negatives — a) if you go down one path, and b) if you go down the
other path.
How much reflection time is enough? That’s up to you. Usually, within a few
minutes, you’ll have identified the costs and benefits of each option, and there
won’t be anything to add. The key thing is, make it focused; in other words,
don’t do it at the same time as watching TV, doing housework, driving home,
going to the gym, riding a bike, or cooking dinner. If you’re doing that, you’re
not effectively reflecting; really, you’re just worrying, ruminating, stewing,
‘going over it’, ‘dwelling on it’. To reflect effectively, you need to sit quietly with
your pen and paper, or in front of a computer, and do nothing else but reflect,
as above. When there’s nothing more to add to your cost-benefit analysis,
reflection time is over.
Step 8: Name the story
Throughout the day, your mind will try to pull you back to the decision, over and
over again. So practice ‘naming the story’. For example, try saying to yourself,
‘Aha! Here it is again. The “stay or leave” story. Thanks, Mind; I know you’re
trying to help, and it’s okay — I’ve got this covered.’ Then focus your attention
on doing some meaningful, values-guided activity. It’s often helpful to remind
yourself, ‘I’ll think about this later, in my reflection time’.
Step 9: Open up and make room
Feelings of anxiety will almost certainly arise — again and again and again
— whichever option you choose. So acknowledge to yourself, ‘Here’s anxiety’.
Then practice opening up and making room for those feelings. (And if there's a
full-blown 'emotional storm', make sure to 'drop anchor'.)
Step 10: Self-compassion
Last, but not least, be compassionate to yourself. Treat yourself gently. Talk to
yourself kindly. Unhook yourself from all that unhelpful, self-judgmental mind
chatter. Remind yourself that you’re a human being with emotions; you’re not
some high-tech computer that can coldly analyse the probabilities and spit out
an answer. Remind yourself that this is a tough decision — if it were easy, you’d
already have made it!
By Russ Harris – from ‘The Happiness Trap’
留言